Une petite blonde, aux cheveux bouclés, qui partageait ma classe de maternelle ainsi que la rue où j’ai failli grandir. Ma presque première fois a des allures de film porno; je n’y peux rien et franchement, j’aime ça.
Enfant, moi je n’ai pas joué au docteur, j’ai presque fait l’amour. Avant l’âge de 6 ans, je n’ai que deux souvenirs de mon enfance. Mon père fait disparaître le canard jaune de mon bain, un tour encore à ce jour irrésolu et, je rêve que deux monstres m’attaquent; l’un grand, l’autre gros. Les baisers répétitifs de Natasha sont donc mon troisième souvenir dans cette vie-ci. Oui, oui, je vous promets, c’était bien: Natasha.
Il s’agissait d’une petite blonde, aux cheveux bouclés et aux yeux verts qui partageait ma classe de maternelle ainsi que la rue où j’ai failli grandir. Ma presque première fois a des allures de film porno; je n’y peux rien et franchement, j’aime ça. Je me souviens encore des cheveux bouclés de Natasha sur ses épaules nues et de l’évier où elle se lavait. Je me rappelle de comment nous avons presque fait l’amour et dans quelles pièces.
Natasha et moi, nous nous aimions comme deux adultes aimeraient s’aimer. Les garçons jouent ensemble aux voitures, les filles à la poupée, mais pas Natasha et moi. En vérité, nous étions parmi les seuls enfants de la rue Colin à avoir de vraies discussions. Nous parlions de nos parents, des crises de colère de mon père et de l’absence du sien. Je lui montrais mes poèmes d’amour et elle se reconnaissait toujours dans mes mots.
C’était à l’époque où les mères laissaient leurs petites filles seules à la maison pour aller jouer au bingo et dans laquelle un père pouvait demander à son bambin d’aller chercher de la bière pour lui au dépanneur. Quand j’allais chez Natasha, sa mère s’absentait souvent, parfois quelques minutes, d’autres fois plusieurs heures. Néanmoins, elle revenait toujours avant le crépuscule pour nous donner deux biscuits au chocolat, un verre de lait et un baiser sur le front.
Un soir, vers 18h30 et comme à son habitude, Natasha a pris la direction de la salle de bain pour se laver avant que sa mère n’arrive, mais cette fois-là, elle a laissé la porte entr'ouverte. Assis au salon, j’observais plus ses mouvements que les dessins animés sur l’écran de la télévision. On affirme qu’un enfant ne peut pas éprouver de désir sexuel. Pourtant, je sais en avoir ressenti.
À un moment, j’ai croisé les yeux verts de Natasha dans le miroir: elle m’a vu la voir. Elle sait que je la regarde. Elle voit ma main dans mon pantalon. Elle veut me voir aussi.
Natasha m’a provoqué du regard. « Tu dois te laver aussi », m’a-t-elle ordonné.
D’un pas timide, mais envieux, j’ai parcouru la distance entre le salon et la toilette sans quitter ma maîtresse des yeux. Elle m’a proposé sa serviette, m’a tendu la barre de savon et a hésité un moment avant de me laver le corps. Nous sommes restés de nombreuses minutes dans la salle de bain à découvrir ce qui faisait la différence entre un homme et une femme. Étrangement, je crois que je le savais déjà.
Instinctivement, peut-être parce que ma famille a toujours été très nudiste, j’ai su quoi faire. Quand Natasha m’a guidé dans la chambre de sa mère, j’ai pensé que j’étais le petit garçon le plus chanceux du monde entier. Natasha n’embrassait pas comme les petites filles embrassent, elle massait mes lèvres et voulait que je la touche là où nos parents nous l’avaient interdit.
Nous avons imité les bruits que nous avions si souvent entendus dans cette chambre et reproduit les mouvements des films pour grandes personnes dans lesquels il y a toujours une explosion, du sang et du sexe. Je me trouvais par-dessus elle et donnais des coups de reins en l’embrassant à pleine bouche. Puis, elle a dit « aïe », un « aïe » qui semblait faire vraiment mal et j’ai su, j’ai su que j’avais fait quelques choses que je n’oublierais jamais.
Sa mère est apparue sur le seuil de la porte, le cœur en chamade, la main en l’air et l’autre sur la bouche. Elle a crié, pris le téléphone, crié encore. Quelques minutes plus tard, ma mère me tirait vers chez moi. Je n’ai plus revu Natasha, ni après l’école, ni dans la classe. Puis, un jour, peu de temps après notre presque première fois, je ne l’ai plus revue du tout.
Aujourd’hui encore, quand je me sens triste et seul, je tape Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu dans le filtre de Facebook, ainsi que ce prénom: Natasha. J’ai la prétention de penser que je pourrais la reconnaître si je la voyais dans la rue et qu’elle aussi, autant que moi, ait envie de terminer ce que nous avions jadis commencé.
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